Home & Garden

Finding a Kitchen Remodeler

Kitchen remodel contractors come in different shapes and sizes – literally. This is why it is important to undertake some mini research in to how they operate and how best to deal with them.

In this article I present a few facts you should know about Home renovations in Mississauga. Take some few minutes to read these before you hire any contractor.

I have listed these facts in point format to make it easier for you to go through them seamlessly. Most kitchen remodel contractors specialize in designing and remodeling kitchens but you will often come across a few that will do more than that – at an extra fee of course. Most of the contractors can take up to a week to finish a remodel job but it all depends on the intensity of the work. They can provide many quotes until you are happy with what they present. So don’t just go for the first quotation they give you. Instead see if you can alter some few things and ask them re-quote. Be reasonable though. They tend to offer a no obligation quote but then nag you until you give them the job afterwards. Be weary of such. There are many places in which you can find the best kitchen remodel company in your area. These include, newspapers, yellow pages, the internet, advertisement, referrals from friends and neighbors and more. These companies can work on a remodeling project to suite your style and budget. If the one you’re talking to says otherwise – find another one. They do their work based on what you want. You should be in a position to give them some guidance. Base these on your storage needs, overall style or theme of the home, number of family members and people you entertain every now and then.

Kitchen remodel contracts are a necessity especially if you are pressed against time, when you need advise on your kitchen remodeling project and need someone to help evaluate the magnitude of the task for you. Besides, they can help increase the value of your home, which is good if you’re thinking about selling. They must have a building permit before they do the job. Make sure you see all their certificates and licenses to conduct business. They are good if they are NARI certified – meaning they meet the National Association of the Remodeling Industry’s stringent requirements for experience and skill, extensive hands-on practice, industry training, continuing education and professional, ethical conduct. They should be insured: it must have coverage like the Workman’s Compensation Insurance, which protects you incase any of their workers get hurt while remodeling your home. They should have the necessary equipment a good kitchen remodel company should be adequately stuffed. Must be able to provide you with samples of previous work done in order. Ideally the best kitchen remodel company must have a showroom where they display some demo kitchens.

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How To Deal With Roof Issues Easily

 

Roofing_pic_3_-_CopyRoofs represent perhaps the most vital component of any structure, residential homes included. In order to truly understand what proper roof repair and maintenance entail, a substantial amount of knowledge is required. Continue reading to gain additional, and highly valuable information about this topic of great importance to homeowners everywhere. There are winnipeg roofing companies who are more than capable of doing the same.
Keep your eyes open for roofers working in your neighborhood, and get the name and phone number of the company. If they did a good job on the homes that they worked on, you should contact these winnipeg roofing companies and have them give you a quote. You can see the quality of their work first-hand which will help you make the best decision.
Whenever you have your roof re-shingled, always save a small stack of the new shingles. Some roofing projects, such as replacing shingles displaced by wind or hail, are simple enough to tackle on your home. Matching the color and texture of the shingles, however, is somewhat more difficult. By keeping a few extra shingles on hand, you can repair the damage without a noticeable difference.
When hiring a professional contractor to work on your roof, it is very important that you get all warranties and guarantees down in writing. This way, you’ll have proof of it should you ever need it. Not doing so could have you paying a lot more later on down the road.
Inspect your roof for faults. Always inspect the materials on your roof. After repairs are done, mistakes may begin to show themselves. A common problem is cracks forming in shingles. Make sure you keep an eye out for any minor imperfections that could turn into big problems if not repaired.
When looking for good roofers in your area, contact your local Chamber of Commerce. They usually have a list of recommended companies you can access as a start to your research. The you can contact them for information and quotes, then begin to compare them until you narrow your list down to one.
When hiring a roofing contractor, be extra cautious of those who won’t give you an estimate on paper before the work is started. A reputable contractor should have no problem supplying you with an estimate that details the costs involved and the work to be performed. You should look elsewhere if a contractor won’t agree to supply that information.
It is impossible to dispute the essential nature of the roof when it comes to the integrity of any home’s structure. However, not every homeowner has a thorough understanding of what it really takes to keep a roof in great condition. The article above has hopefully offered a useful reference point for anyone interested in learning more about the subject.

News

CWLG — FLCL’S Haruko

Posted in chicks who love guns on July 14th, 2006

Haruko in bunny suit

Here’s a slightly different version, suitable for use as your desktop wallpaper (click the image; you know you want to):

click for this wallpaper chosen especially for YOU!

In doubt about this whole Fooly Cooly business? Check it out at Wikipedia.

Otafuku Rex — Do me, I’m the best

Posted in video, ear candy on July 14th, 2006

Otafuku Rex’s web site would be right about here.

Slow Motion Film of Bullets

Posted in video, evil genius on July 13th, 2006

Photography of Seb Janiak

Posted in eye candy on July 13th, 2006

Raggasonic album cover

Seb Janiak’s album cover for Raggasonic.

See lots more at the artist’s site.

Poster for the same project:

Mark Faje — World’s Most Dangerous Comic

Posted in video, stuff on fire, Hasselhoff on July 12th, 2006

He introduces his act:

“This is not comedy; this is not juggling; this is stupidity.”

We would love to know more about the image below from Mr. Faje’s MySpace page.

Super Baby and Mark Faje
Photograph by Kathrine Eaton

Photography of Steven Klein

Posted in eye candy, vixen on July 12th, 2006

Steven Klein photograph of Tatiana Urina for Alexander McQueen

Photographer: Steven Klein
Model: Tatiana Urina
Fashion: Alexander McQueen

Steven Klein photograph of Tatiana Urina for Alexander McQueen

Daily Dose of Bad Similes — 07/12/06

Posted in bad similes on July 12th, 2006

After months of pent-up emotions like a caffeine-addict trying to kick the habit, Cathy finally let the tears come, at first dripping sporadically like an old clogged percolator, then increasing slowly like a 10-cup coffeemaker with an automatic drip, and eventually pouring out and noisily wailing like a cappuccino maker complete with slurping froth.

Winner of a coveted Dishonorable Mention in the 2005 lasik md winnipeg.

Chris Bui
Pensacola, FL

iPorn + iTease

Posted in video, viral, wakka chikka wakka chikka on July 12th, 2006

NSFW or little ones.

This Just In

Posted in blasphemy, viral on July 11th, 2006

a couple of our favorite kings

I’m thinkin’ this is a viral for the Jeeebus-man. From KTRK in Houston:

“Someone covered up a billboard on La Branch at Winbern with a poster featuring a picture of Jesus Christ holding a Budweiser can. The company that leases the billboard believes vandals made the poster at home and then pasted it on top of the ad that’s supposed to be there.

It shows Jesus holding a Budweiser in between the phrases

“Jesus, King of Jews” and “Jesus, King of Beers.”

“I thought that was just crazy,” said commuter Jose Cazares. “It looks professional too.”

Neighbors say the billboard has been up there for a week or more.

For our money, Elvis is still the one, true King. For the Queen? The field is wide open, though we would like to think that Richard Simmons has a commanding lead.

You still can’t trust the press. I did not see the J-word anywhere on that improved billboard. In fact, they totally messed this reporting up. It would have been:

“Jesus, King of Jews” and “Budweiser, King of Beers.”

Dumb-asses.

Updateage:

Although the folks that did this sign improvement did a professional job with the graphics, their job with the copy missed an opportunity for a happy rhyme:

“King of Jews” and “King of Brews

I expect that this will leave the perps scarred for life.

Our Friend, the Spittlebug

Posted in invertebrates, Sputnik on July 11th, 2006

spittlebug with spittle

The other night, Sputnik and I were reading a scientific type journal, namely, the March 2004 issue of click magazine. We were doing pretty well at getting all sleepy until we came across this factoid from the invertebrate world:

“What’s inside that bunch of bubbles? Look closely, and you’ll see a bubble-blowing baby spittlebug. With its sharp beak, a little spittlebug pokes into a plant stem and sucks out the juice, or sap, inside. Some of the sap is the spittlebug’s meal. But the rest bubbles out of its behind until the bubbles cover the bug completely.”

Norwood Matt and Sputnik (together):

“Woah!”

So much for getting all sleepy. We spent the remainder of the evening discussing the finer points of having the surplus from one’s meal bubble out of one’s behind.

In the scientific world, there is some controversy as to whether or not the gas filling the bubbles is mixed into the goo external to the spittlebug (carburetion) or is blended internal to the spittlebug (fuel injection, or farting, if you will). You can read all about it over here where the spittlebug was the bug playmate of the month back in June of 1996.

The spittlebug gives up all this foaming at the south end of its alimentary canal as a rite of passage from teenager to adult. We note that, with humans, this is not always the case.

News



Archive for September, 2004






Hoist on my own Petard


Posted in hilarity ensues, Sputnik on September 1st, 2004

I’ve been working with Sputnik on his library-going social skills. In particular his “when is it OK to fart at the library?” skills. Big emphasis has been placed on the fortuitousness of being able to fart on demand in a crowded library elevator. We’ve made several practice runs, but all without others on board. Mostly people avoid us when they see us already on the ‘vator.

Well, this last Saturday, Sputnik and I were down at the pubic library, doing a little research on planes, rockets, and other stuff that goes fast and maybe blows up. We’d collected a fistful of books on same when the PA system announced that the library was closing. Quick as bunnies, we hopped on a ‘vator to proceed to check out. Only this time, someone got on with us! And it was an older, adult type person! Perfection! Sputnik motioned me near. I bent down so that I could hear his special secret message. He said, and I quote, “This is our big opportunity!” I was proud. I was horrified. Five year old offspring was carpeing diem. He’d said it loudly enough that our co-passenger could hear it as well. Without missing a beat, Sputnik cut loose with a truly juicy raspberry. I looked over at the dignified matron target/victim of this onslaught to see how she was taking it. We were rewarded with great peals of her laughter.

All is well.






News



Archive for August, 2004






Bendito Machine


Posted in video on August 28th, 2004




To the moon baby, to the moon!


Posted in Sputnik on August 19th, 2004


This past weekend, SuperSoaker Monster Rocket . We went about this innocently enough in our local, very picturesque park:

The thing comes with 3 fins, 1 nose cone, 1 launch pad, 1 bicycle pump, 2 stakes, 1 nose cone weight, 1 impulse tube/bulb, and 2 mechanical safety interlocks. All for just a hair over $20.00 U.S. Did I mention it stands over 7 feet tall? This thing is a bargain! Anyway, we were pretty busy, reading destructions, assembling 1 each of everything, tab A in slot B, etc. and not really looking around. When we finally lifted our heads to mount the beast onto its launch pad, we found that we had drawn a crowd. Bonus for the young and the young at heart. Anyway, it was a very nice crowd, full of enthusiasm and other things. When the grand moment arrived, they counted down for us. We did not disappoint:

Woot! Norwood Matt and offspring have done caught fire on this one.

More about those safety interlocks: one prevents the rocket from being launched in any direction other than straight up. The other prevents the young miscreant from substituting a more entertaining payload than the one supplied as original equipment. We’ve already ciphered out how to defeat both. More pictures to follow after we do so. In the meantime, check out the video clip .






News



Archive for July 2nd, 2006






Beretta Xtrema2 Demonstration


Posted in video, political correctness on July 2nd, 2006

Neatorama put us on to this goodness.

For your convenience, here is a link to Beretta’s page on the featured weapon.

BTW, for you politically-challenged types: Norwood Matt does not own guns or rifles. Norwood Matt would use them as turn signals in traffic if he did own them. A man has got to know his limits. That said, Norwood Matt is very glad that almost all of his friends are well-armed.




David Sedaris — The Stadium Pal


Posted in hilarity ensues, great moments in literature on July 2nd, 2006

David Sedaris is the funniest man on the planet.






News



Archive for August, 2005






Check Out My Enormous Penis


Posted in check out my enormous on August 31st, 2005

horn dog

There’s a particular kind of attention whore that particularly chaps Norwood Matt’s ass. It’s the attention whore that somehow believes they are just one clever T-shirt away from getting to clamber about in the rigging of some over-sexed, double-breasted bed thrasher. Like so:

pneumatic nymphette

Only problem is, they’re losers. Like so:

May I dance with your date?

Or maybe like so:

Weee! Light in the loafers!

Here’s the NM-imagined loser’s internal dialogue:

‘Chicks would dig me if they thought I had a big penis. I bet if I had a T-shirt like so:

Check out my enormous penis!

the bzitches would be climbin all over me!’

See, they know they’re losers. But, they’re hoping that if a gal were to see a guy wearing that shirt, why, the gal’s internal dialogue might go like so:

‘What a loser! Oh, wait a second. He has a penis? Hey! And it’s big? Big enough to ride like a surfboard? Damn, I’ve gone all gooey-gammed…

Me… me love you long time?’

Or something like that.

A while back, the Lovely Laura, Sputnik, and NM had gone to the local yuppy-scum fern bar (Panera). Sputnik was about 2 years old and just about as cute as they get. NM had gone to get a much-needed refill on go juice when he spotted a typical yuppy-scum loser type wearing a T-shirt not unlike the one pictured above. Slow burn ensued. Getting back to his prophylactic, cave-like booth, NM informed the Lovely Laura, ‘Why don’t they just get a T-shirt that says “Hey! Check out my enormous penis!”‘

Whereupon Sputnik stood up on the booth’s bench and announced in a voice designed to carry to the far reaches of the galaxy, ‘Hey! Check out my enormous penis!’

‘Don’t cry little boy. We’ll find your parents.’




Daily Dose of Bad Similes – 08/30/05


Posted in bad similes, great moments in literature on August 30th, 2005

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.




Daily Dose of Eye Candy – Pride Of Daedalus by QMI


Posted in eye candy on August 30th, 2005

Pride Of Daedalus by QMI

Pride Of Daedalus by QMI




Grail Quest — Kill Yanni


Posted in movie reviews, grail quest on August 29th, 2005

'Thus ensued a grail quest for the ultimate...'

Years ago, NM watched the movie, High Fidelity, starring John Cusack. In it, there were a series of shots of Jack Black wearing a dark T-shirt. On the T-shirt was a picture of Yanni (it looked like a concert tour T-shirt). The picture of Yanni had been altered so that above the word, “Yanni,” it said “Kill.” Bullet holes had been added as well. Recently, NM happened to rent the DVD of High Fidelity and saw that the “Kill” and the bullet holes were no longer present on Jack Black’s Yanni T-shirt. (This all happens in chapter 23 on the DVD). OK, Yanni got his lawyer types to edit it out of the DVD release – certainly possible to do digitally. But watching the same scenes on the VHS version of the movie yielded the same results: no “Kill,” no bullet holes. Here’s the question. How does a guy go about purchasing a copy (any format) of the movie with the original “Kill Yanni” T-Shirt?

If you are the first to provide a way for Norwood Matt to do this, he will send you a Bright Shiny Object of his choosing as a fabulous prize.

Look Ma, no bullet holes!




Last Supper Lunch Box


Posted in blasphemy on August 28th, 2005

Just enough room for a couple of fishes and loaves.

Norwood Matt is speechless. Purchase at Lunch Box Pad.




Caption Contest


Posted in miscellaneous on August 28th, 2005

Not another bean-powered bike!

Leave your proposed caption(s) in Comments. Contest closes on September 2. If you are selected as the lucky winner, Norwood Matt will send you a fabulous prize chosen especially for you!




Sasquatch Sighted


Posted in blasphemy, ear candy on August 28th, 2005

6 stories tall, the Black Hole Amplifier is for the privileged few

Sasquatch called yesterday. ‘Twas truly a delight. Not since Dr. Fritz Todt has there been a man with such universal mastery of things technical and beautiful. We compared and contrasted Jean Pierre Rampal and James Galway. Anyway, it reminded me of work by another great master, Dr. Harvey “Gizmo” Rosenberg on the Black Hole Amplifier. At $267 million, most purchasers elected the nearly eternal lifetime payment plan. Here are a few of its spec.’s.

Power Output :- 10MW into 0 Ohms (or less)

Full Power bandwidth :- DC to visible light

Power consumption:- 18 grams of Plutonium/month, as a 38kg ‘nite-glo’ fuel rod

Distortion :- minus 10% THD (48kg/silicon/minute, via distortion exhaust)

Damping factor :- 6.023 * E23 (adds approximately 8 minutes to calendar year per hour of operation)

Modes :- Moses/Evangelist/Christian/Islamic/Jewish — all switchable.

If you would like to save a few sheckles, here’s a block diagram so that you might break out the soldering iron and whip a pair up for yourself.

schematic of God's own amplifier

File in Religion




Der Uber Geek


Posted in miscellaneous on August 27th, 2005

I read your e-mail before you do.

Screen resolution? We ain’t got no screen resolution. We don’t need no screen resolution. I don’t have to show you any stinking screen resolution.




Setting Stuff on Fire


Posted in stuff on fire on August 26th, 2005

black paper lets you see if the light is properly focused

Woot! Setting a little black piece of paper on fire. Now, who’s your daddy? Huh? Thass right!

Norwood Matt read about setting stuff on fire using a soda can and just had to try it. The basic premise seemed a little hokey – you’ve gone camping and you’ve forgotten your matches but you did remember the junk food. Frankly, NM just wanted to see if the darned thing worked. And then, he fell in love with, as The Lovely Laura says, BSOs. Bright Shiny Objects. And BSOs can set stuff on fire? Dang, baby! Is this a great country or what?

Seems the idea is to polish the bottom, concave surface of the soda can with the chocolate. Then, use the can bottom as a parabolic mirror to focus the sun’s light on a bit of tinder.

Thus ensued a grail quest for the ultimate polishing technique and materials. Sidestepping the whole deal of using a polish that tastes better than it polishes, NM went straight to using toothpaste. Not recommended. It takes a long time and leaves a hazy surface. No cavities, though. Next was Happich Simichrome. Much better, but took a long time and left a (less) hazy surface. A search for jeweler’s rouge led to English Custom Polish. Ahhh! This is the stuff. The current polishing technique is a bit involved but strangely, wonderfully satisfying:

  • Select your can carefully. A smooth bottom really helps. Aside from dents installed by handling, most soda can bottoms have numbers and dimples impressed into their bottoms. The less of this business there is, the more of the sun’s rays that will be focused on the tinder.
  • Take out the brushed aluminum surface using 0000 steel wool. Use straight strokes across the grain of the aluminum brush marks. Do NOT use wet/dry sandpaper. Not even 600 grit. It leaves scratches that just take too bloody long to get out.
  • Wash the bottom of the can with liquid dish detergent and water to get rid of any remaining steel wool. Dry same.
  • Use, in sequence, English Custom Polish’s: Metal Polish _ Restorer; Showman’s Ultra Fine Polish; and then their Custom Blend. When doing so, FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS! They are wonderful. They are clear. They work. We will not be redundant by repeating them here.

And, voila!

NM's bottom is shiny!

Shiny!

Norwood Matt thinks he looks like Dale Gribble.

An unretouched photo of Norwood Matt. Holding the damage.

Mini Me, stop humping the laser. Maybe you and the laser should go get a freakin room.

A closeup of the damage. The light gets focused to a truly tiny point.

Norwood Matt thanks The Lovely Laura for giving up the whole of one day’s dusk and evening in order to chronicle in photos setting stuff on fire.

Norwood Matt also thanks Steve at English Custom Polish for taking time out of his busy schedule to wax eloquent about the art that is polish. Go there. Buy his stuff.

Great guy. Great product.




7Up Models Calendar


Posted in viral, grail quest on August 25th, 2005

who's your daddy?

7Up (Cabury/Schweppes) ran ads in 2002 that featured their truck drivers frolicking on the beach. Strong men wept. AmeriStop sold a calendar featuring these guys.

Now Norwood Matt can’t find f-all about it. Post a comment if you’ve got a clue about where either the calendar or the ad can be fondled.






News



Archive for October, 2004






Found Music


Posted in mp3, ear candy on October 12th, 2004


Powered by Castpost

Mad Professor vs Jah Shaka – Ecological Dub

Ken Nordine – Mr Slick — the father of Word Jazz laying it down like only he can

While looking for a Magnetic Fields song I found Bright Black. They have a lazy, folkish sound. Its porch sittin’ music. Definitely.

Bright Black – True Bright Blossom

Cowboy Junkies: Misguided Angel

The Faint Psycho Killer (talking heads cover)






News




Archive for the ‘wretched excess’ Category






Charlotte Church — Pie Jesu


Posted in video, ear candy, vixen, wretched excess on November 8th, 2006

Charlotte Church sings Pie Jesu at age 12.

The Palmer House Hilton in Chicago; click to engorge. I remember exactly when and where I first heard Charlotte Church sing Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Pie Jesu. Let’s go to a dark and scary place, shall we? Let’s go deep inside Norweed Matt’s mind. I recommend using the buddy system. There’s plenty o’ stuff stacked in odd places in there.

It was in Chicago on Saturday May 15 of 1999. I was at the Stereophile Hi-Fi show in the Nearfield Acoustics room in the Palmer House Hotel Hilton. For those of you not afflicted with the high end audio disease, Nearfield Acoustics make some of the very best speakers. Naturally, they are uglier than a mud fence. In this case, they had been mated to LAMM vacuum tube (mid-range & tweeter towers) and hybrid vacuum tube/transistor (subwoofers, which Nearfield charmingly call “Depth Charges” and think that four of same is a nice number to own) electronics. Source material was read and converted from 0’s and 1’s to something more useful by a Metronome CD transport and DAC.

LAMM Sidebar

LAMM is Vladimir Shushurin, a Russian émigré who used to design electronics for the Russian military using vacuum tube technology. As a hobby, he built high end audio electronics (again with the tubes) for interested and interesting people behind the Iron Curtain. I have heard them in a few systems. They are the ne plus ultre of audio amplification. Let’s get back to the regular programming.

When the Nearfield folk queued up Ms. Church’s performance of Pie Jesu, there were sniggers. “How can we possibly take the high-toned caterwauling of a 12 year old seriously?” When the track finished, there was dead silence for a rather goodly, Godly moment.

Everybody know where their buddy is? Cool.

Since then, Charlotte Church has managed to escape adult supervision. Slap the buttons on the YouTube critter below for gland expanding evidence of this.

Nearfield's Pipedreams, their flagship speakers; click to engorge.
Tasty LAMM amplification; click to engorge.
Metronome's Kalista CD transport; click to engorge.
Charlotte Church at 19; click to engorge.




Now You Can Wear Gene Simmons’s Boots


Posted in wretched excess on September 27th, 2006

Gene Simmons Destroyer KISS Boots

I have the hardest time keeping Gene Simmons and Richard Simmons straight in my mind.

Wanna wear Gene Simmons’s boots? ‘Course ya do! An’ that’s just where your subscription to a daily dose of Norweed Matt comes in handy. Quick, go get your credit card, come back here, and click on this link to be whisked away to a magical mystery tour of aerobic shopping (spending money to elevate the heart rate) at MotorCowboy.

A mere $1,800 (plus $39.00 for shipping and handling) is all that separates you from these lovelies. We think they’d go well with this.




The Art of Maywa Denki


Posted in robot, eye candy, pretty neat, grail quest, wretched excess on September 11th, 2006

Nobumichi Tosa of Maywa Denki playing the takedamaru

Above, Nobumichi Tosa, the head of Japanese company, Maywa Denki, plays the takedamaru at the Taipei nightclub, Luxy. This performance was part of the 9/24-9/25/2005 B!AS-International Sound Art Exhibition.

Founded by Sakaichi Tosa in 1969, Maywa Denki started life as a vacuum tube company. Ten years later it went through bankruptcy proceedings. Then, in 1993, it was reborn at the hands of Sakaichi Tosa’s sons, Nobumichi and Masamichi, as an art company. As such, it brews up a steampunkish, kitschy, tongue-in-cheek mixture of old and new. For example, in their Tsukuba line of instruments, sounds are often made by real, analog instruments (guitars, shoes, glass bowls, etc.) but are played electromechanically.

If one were to look solely at their web site or at Internet catalogues of their offerings, one would miss the scale and majesty of their work. For example, reproduced below is the catalogue image of their Pachi-Moku.

Pachi-Moku catalogue image

The catalogue in which it appears describes it as

“A unique back-pack-type ‘winged’ musical device operated by electronic finger snappers. Two tones: high and low.”

For all this, they want ¥550,000 or about $4,700 in real money. It hardly seems right that the thing only produces two tones and those on what seem to be mere castanets. But, then take a look at it as worn by Nobumichi Tosa (see below; sorry for stinko image quality). It may not yet qualify as a reasonable price, but considering what Kohler wants for a fancy crapper like its Kohler Purist Hatbox, perhaps it’s not so bad.

Pachi-Moku worn by its creator

Some of the more interesting Maywa Denki products, however, are health and beauty related rather than musical. Behold the Ring-Ring.

Ring-Ring

The Ring-Ring is described at the Maywa Denki site thusly:

Do-it-yourself fish-scale tattoos. Hit slap and bruise your skin on the arm with a scale stamp. Non-permanent.

[ed. Japanese product liability law is different from that practiced in the U.S.]

We are pretty certain that hilarity ensues.

There is a lot more where that came from, including the goldfish excrement health meter in tablet form that works by

“taking it internally and then examining it externally”

that modesty prevents us from describing.

The Gentle Reader is encouraged to explore the Maywa Denki site as we did so that they might discover their own Hammer-Head punch-tape reader:

Hammer-Head

“Punched card data was read to move the electromagnet and controls the movement of carp in formalin as desired.”

It’s a safe bet that PETA is not active in Japan.

I am now on a grail quest to see Maywa Denki perform live or to obtain video of same.




Wretched Excess — Angular Momentum + Johan Gustafsson


Posted in full frontal bling, wretched excess on March 21st, 2006

Angular Momentum's 'Flying Horses' model from their Color-Tec line.
Click here for a larger
version of this image.

While researching the up-coming T-Shirt survey, we stumbled across the above watch body. From the web site of the man who makes the watch body, Johan Gustafsson:

“(This is) a collaboration project with the Swiss company, Angular Momentum. I create the mosaic steel, design, forge, shape (milling and turning), harden and do the coloration on this mosaic steel. After that, Angular Momentum do the final assembling. The surface is treated with a special coating, that enhances the colors and prevents wear and rust….

It is very complicated and time-consuming to create the steel. Every watch (and knife) contains several thousands of small steel rods that I forge weld to desired design.

The price will be from $7,000 $9,500.”

The Color-Tec and other Angular Momentum watches are available thru WatchUseek’s web site. Not all of Angular Momentum’s watches are anywhere near this expensive.

And then there’s this from the April 2005 issue of International Watch:

“…each kind of steel and alloy comprising the compound and turns each one to a different color.

The colorful steel material is then kept safe from extreme temperature and most acids with a sophisticated coating process of nano-technological sapphire. After the case material is produced by Gustafson and treated by Zwirner Nanotec AG, it arrives at the Angular Momentum workshop where the final touches are executed, making a very attractive piece of colored octagonal steel into a wristwatch….”

Although delightfully Wretched Excess, the Color-Tec does not drift into the questionable area of Wretched Excess, Signature Series. For that, we have the full-frontal bling of this:

for the truly comfortable fortunate few

This is an mp3 player. It costs $45,000 and comes crusted in diamonds. Or as your personal courier might say when delivering it, “c’est le mp3 en croute de diamonds.” And then he’ll laugh about you all evening over a pint with his mates.




Too Much is Barely Enough


Posted in wretched excess on March 19th, 2006

Overloaded

Evidently he got the memo.

Does it strike anyone else as strange that he’s got most of these
computers lined up so that we’re looking at their south ends
as they head north?

From >>Ezprezzo.
Via >>Make.




Wretched Excess – Boots


Posted in wretched excess on November 18th, 2005

That’s $1,425.00 worth o’ bad boots, there. With flames.

I found out about these here Liberty Boots when I was prowling around over here.

But ya know wot? Bad as they are? Where I’m from in Tennessee, a guy wears boots like that? He’s gonna get his ass beat. In fact, it’s a requirement that if you see some guy wearin’ a pair o’ boots like that, you have to put a beatin’ on him. No judge, no jury will ever convict you. All your Philadelphia lawyer has to do is say, “I would like to introduce into evidence this-here pair of Liberty Boots type boots…” and before you can say, “yes, if a couple gets a deevorce in Tennessee, they are still cousins” the D.A. will be up on his hind legs squealin’ “permission to approach the bench?” Ever’ body knows that.

It’s totally a different story, though, if you’re a person of the female persuasion. Particularly if you’re hawt. Like so:

Just like fancy-pants boots don't look good on on a guy, neither do pigtails. Both look good on Naomi.

That’s Naomi Campbell there, in the pigtails, wearing a little bit tamer set of Liberty Boots. They look good on her.




More Dining at Sea – Elvis Needs Boats


Posted in dining at sea, wretched excess on October 18th, 2005

In Europe, napkins go on the right. I always did want to eat on the aquatic version of a stealth bomber.

Gentle reader, this post is a veritable hover fest. Norwood Matt invites you to hover like a madman over links and images in order to get the full Stuff On Fire effect.

Evidently, the folks at Wally Yachts got the memo what ’splained that, if more is better, too much is just barely enough. Pictured above is their “118 WallyPower… high performance superyacht.” The thing is 118 feet long and is powered by three, count ‘em, three 5,600 HP turbines and two Diesels. Does at least 54 knots. Dooood, that’s pickin’ ‘em up and dustin’ em off! The sound system is by Linn. This is good. Always important to have quality tunage.

From the department of irony multiplication here at Stuff On Fire we note the interesting company name, Wally Yachts. What Wally do they mean? An admittedly rapid perusal of their visually luscilicious web site did not reveal what they intended. We found a reference to WallyWorld in an early newsletter. But, better by far, we think we may have heard “Ebben? Ne andro lantana” from La Wally by Alfredo Catalani (when we watched the promotional video for the 118 WallyPower). That’s quality merchandise, that is. Aside from having what may be one of the most beautiful arias ever written, La Wally is a top contender in stupid operatic plots. Given the stiff competition in this category, that’s saying something. Jim Svejda describes it like this (The Insider’s Guide to Classical Recordings):

“After the heroine arranges to have the hero murdered because he believes he insulted her – now that’s touchy, even by soprano standards – she changes her mind and rescues him. On the mountain top they confess their love and are promptly swept away by an avalanche.”

Somehow, this all seems fitting for this incredible statement in yachting high performance. For your viewing enjoyment, here are a couple more snaps of this beast. The top one shows why it appeals to the 14 year old in me. The bottom one gives a sense of the size of the thing. That’s Mr. Luca Bassani, whose brainchild the 118 is, standing on the transom.

What this thing badly needs is weapons. And not no girly-man weapons neither. We're talkin' Exocets. Should be no problem for the builder, Intermarine. They make warships.

Friendly reminder, Mr. Bassani: shipwreck at sea can spoil your whole day. That includes gettin' lost overboard. At 50+ knots, we could be a long ways away before anyone notices your cute behind is missing.

Lest you think this is the best they could come up with, Wally Yachts has on the drawing boards a 75 meter WallyPower. Our modern math skills may be a bit weak, but that works out to a bit more than twice the size of the 118 (the 75 would be, roughly, 246.062992126 feet long). That would be just sooperty-dooperty! See below for an artist’s rendering of what the top deck ought to look like. Note the duelling hot tubs.

Remember - if it floats, flies, or conjugates the verb, rent it. Don't buy it.

Inquiring minds want to know, “Who would buy such a thing?” Well, we have only to go to that modern culture guru, Mojo Nixon (ably assisted by sidekick, Skid Roper) to find out. As Mojo says, “Elvis needs boats.”


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Archive for the ‘movie reviews’ Category






Office Space Bunnies Voice Out-Takes


Posted in movie reviews on July 10th, 2006

I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire.

This just in: Angry Alien has just put up a few voice out-takes from their upcoming re-enactment of Office Space (by bunnies in 30 seconds, more or less). In keeping with the official Stuff on Fire policy of reviewing movies without going to all that picky bother of seeing them first, we’re gonna go ahead and uh, yeah, tell you that this is a good one. Yeah. That would be great.

Wins the much-coveted, seldom-awarded, 5 holy flaming christwagons of coolosity. Like so:
5 chrisswagons, each and every one of them lovingly set ablaze by this-here movie




His Dark Materials — The Golden Compass


Posted in movie reviews on July 5th, 2006

dark alethiometer

Guess what Norwood Matt just found out, courtesy of the Intardwebs? Uh-huh, thass right – author Philip Pullman is getting his entire trilogy, His Dark Materials, turned into a series of motion pictures. I am happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

Here are the details (imagine me breathless and fidgeting uncontrollably):

  • The first of the trilogy, ‘The Golden Compass,’ is due to come out in 2007.
  • It is being produced by New Line Cinema, the same fine folks that brought us ‘The Lord of the Rings’ trilogy.
  • The budget for ‘The Golden Compass’ ($150,000,000 USD) exceeds that for ‘The Fellowship of the Ring’ ($93,000,000 USD) by a healthy margin. This is heartening. Money will not guarantee success. Lack of it will guarantee failure. This is a complex story with lots of greebles, settings, and even plot.
  • The plan is to bang out the three movies in roughly 2 years of filming so that the young heroine does not age unrealistically much over the course of the series.
  • The author, Philip Pullman, is evidently able to exert control over the project, including approving casting. As with the money, it does not guarantee success. It does, however harbinger mighty darned well.
  • The actress to play the heroine has been selected (Dakota Blue Richards) and is an unknown. Again, this bodes well for success. With an actress whose work I know, a bit of effort would have been required to block my recollections of her in earlier work. This is not always attractive. For example, I blew condiments out my nasal passages when agent Smith from ‘The Matrix’ showed up as Elrond in ‘The Fellowship of the Ring’ (we call hilarity-launched condiments “aftermirths” when they come to rest and we step in them).
  • If, however, we must deal in known entities, Mr. Pullman’s wishes for other main characters have been heartening to say the least. From IMDB:

    Writer Philip Pullman wants Nicole Kidman to play Mrs. Coulter and has indicated that he would like Jason Isaacs to portray Lord Asriel. He has also indicated that he would like the part of Lee Scoresby to be played by Samuel L. Jackson.

    All of these choices are good, but this last is particularly brilliant. In at least the spoof trailers, we will be treated to Mr. Jackson bleating,

    “I want these mutual-funding cliff-ghasts off my mutual-funding balloon!”

    It simply does not get any better than that.

For those of you that worry that I will do myself a mischief if this thing does not live up to my expectations, not to fear – I am way ahead of you, saddlepals. As with ‘Snakes on a Plane,’ I plan not to attend the movie. This permits your cubby reporter to review it way ahead of all those other blogs.

Wins the much-coveted, seldom-awarded, 5 holy flaming christwagons of coolosity. Like so:
5 chrisswagons, each and every one of them lovingly set ablaze by this-here movie

Norwood Matt would like to thank Xtopher42 from whom he blatantly stole the whole idea for this post. Norwood Matt also apologizes to Matthew Baldwin, Pretty Okay Guy, who originally coined the term “aftermirth” but used it to mean something else entirely.

If, unlike Norwood Matt, you choose to see this movie, he rather strongly recommends reading the trilogy in advance. In fact, ol’ Norwood thinks you ought to read the trilogy no matter what. So there.

Lyra and Iorek




David Hasselhoff — Looking for Freedom


Posted in video, movie reviews, Hasselhoff on June 25th, 2006

Feelin’ kinda low today. Movin’ slow. Woke up in jail, just a little hung over. The usual.

Have you noticed how there’s some kind of cortisone-style jaw swelling deal goin’ on? I first noticed it on John Travolta a while back when he made Broken Arrow. An’ then, more recently, I saw that Val Kilmer had a case of the Cro Magnon jaw in his new movie, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (which is a great flick in which Mr. Kilmer plays, and I am not making this up, a detective named Gay Perry). And here, well before either of those instances, we have video evidence that it struck the ne plus ultra (literally, this translates from foreign to “his goiter is bigger than your goiter” – it sounds better in foreign) of all alpha males: the Hasselhoff. Does Jerry Lewis know about this? I’m thinkin’ telathon.




Borat Trailer


Posted in hilarity ensues, video, movie reviews on June 17th, 2006

November 3, 2006 new weapon of ass destruction unleash on world. Weapon has name. Name? Borat. See south end Borat go north. This one of movies I comfortable to recommending you watch it without I to having watch it. Snappy dialog. Like so:

Jagshemash.

My name a Borat.

This a my country, Kazakhstan. Is nice.
My hobbies: ping pong, disco dance, and sunbathe.
This my house; entry please. This where I lives.

My bed. This is a VCR, recorded. And this a play cassettes.
Now I show you outside from my houses.

This a Natalia. She is my sister.
She is number 4 prostitute in all of Kazhakstan. Nice!

at least he got the potato out of the back of the thong

You must to visit offical Borat home page.




Gnod — Stuff You Like


Posted in movie reviews, pretty neat on June 7th, 2006

Office Space
Gnod results for the movie Office Space

Gnod helps you find stuff you already like but don’t know you already like. It does this by letting you enter stuff you like (and know that you like) and then polling you about stuff you do and don’t like or just don’t know about. From the site:

Gnod is my experiment in the field of artificial intelligence. Its a self-adapting system, living on this server and ‘talking’ to everyone who comes along. Gnods intention is to learn about the outer world and to learn ‘understanding’ its visitors. This enables gnod to share all its wisdom with you in an intuitive and efficient way. You might call it a search-engine to find things you don’t know about.

There are Gnods for:

  • music
  • books
  • movies

As the content is all user-submitted, some of the spelling is imaginative. The site also provides means to correct what you believe to be mis-spellings. Norwood Matt once had a secretary who would, ahem, correct the dictionaries by hand before distributing them to the staff. Hilarity pretty well ensued.

We were put on to this goodness by Neatorama.




Video — Star Crash


Posted in video, movie reviews, oh the hoomanity! on May 27th, 2006

0:03 “You are about to be HURLED…”

Truer words were never writ.

0:08 “…through the blackness of a hundred million nights.”

Woah. I’m betting that it’ll seem like even more than a hundred million nights.

0:11 Entrance of grocery bag helmet man – in B&W chromatome! Nice effect with the Tygon tubing out the back of the grocery bag helmet.

0:26 Woah! all the guys get to wear epaulets. Babes must wear skimpiness with straps to emphasize babishness.

0:54 “find… the… Count’s.. secret… planet…”

Christopher Plummer trained at the William Shatner Every Word is a Sentence shool of elocution.

0:58 Special effects using sparklers purchased at Stuckey’s. There would have been more, but Stuckey’s ran out.

1:18 Ooaaah, yeah! Skimpiness abounds. Scantily clad vixen who loves guns. Check the frown. This gal is serious. You don’t back away from the pastry table? She’s gonna take off more clothes.

1:26 WTF?! Stop-motion cheesiness overload! OK, looks to me like the robot’s head is made from a metallic-paint-encrusted trash can. You know the kind. It’s got a little hemerispherical top with a spring-loaded trapezoidal door that you push open to deposit your trash and simultaneously spill some trash goo into your shoes. Only here, I’m thinking they could use it to install the robot’s brains. Or deposit trash goo. I doubt anyone would notice the difference.

1:31 Bimbo-foo. You know that’s the whole reason to watch this movie, right?

1:32 WTF?! Dude is squashing a glowing, circular DNA strand. At least he’s wearing gloves. Oh, the hoomanity! He is actually enjoying it! Seriously, WTF?!

1:34 Oh, man! This is wot Norwood Matt lives for. When you have scenes like this one, you understand why plot is way over-rated. Anyway, looks like bimbette numero 3 did not get the wardrobe memo: yes on bandoliers; no on thigh high boots. And now she must pay the horrible price! Hopefully there will be writhing and struggling involved.

1:47 WTF?! A female Gort? Also check the space babe’s wardrobe. We may get HURLED into the farthest reaches of space and time, but our wardrobe is strictly early Roman Centurion titty-bar. Woot!

2:03 Oh, good. I was afraid we weren’t going to have an appearance of the giant disembodied head in a bell jar. Glad that’s taken care of. Wot’s next on the list?

2:14 Evidently Tampon applicators can now fly. And carry people. In space. Makes sense. Where’s that stop-motion trashcan-head robot?

2:33 Dolby Stereo? I wasn’t going to watch it, but OK; that clinches it. I watch every movie in Dolby Stereo.

And that’s a wrap. I’m spent.


www.flickr.com




Movie — Free Jimmy


Posted in video, movie reviews, animals behaving badly on April 27th, 2006

I apologize to the SOF regular readers for the paucity of posting – putting together the instructions for how to install an mp3 player took a really long time (two 16 hour days this last weekend) and left me exhausted. In the meantime, plenty o’ stuff continued to waft in over our eelectronic transom and has caused some sort of blockage of the SOF digestive tract’s lower extremity. First out of the chute would be the new Norwegian film, Free Jimmy. According to the official site:

“The junkie elephant has been chosen as the closing film for the International Critics Week at the Cannes Film Festival in May.

FREE JIMMY now has the world at his elephant feet. May 25 the film will be closing the International Critics Week at the most influential film festival in the world. (26.04.2006)”

No word on the U.S. release date. It did open last Friday in Norway. Why do I think I will like this movie? Check out the keywords from over at imdb.com:

  • Sex
  • Nudity
  • Vulgarity
  • Vulgarity (we like vulgarity)
  • Animal Abuse
  • Animal Rights
  • Chase
  • Drug Abuse
  • Drunkenness
  • Road Movie

Sounds ’bout right. Only thing missin’? The meanest men in the north, the Lappish Mafia. Wait a sec’. Turns out it does have Lappish Mafia. Check it out:

I do not think that this movie is going to help me with my clown problem:

I hate clowns




More Missing Pages


Posted in movie reviews on March 20th, 2006

Missing Pages - Core Units Lament

Inquiring minds want to know just how a guy goes about viewing the full 24 minutes of Missing Pages. Here are some things to consider trying:

1) Attend one of the film festivals. There’s a list of them on Jerome Olivier’s blog >>here.

2) Monitor Jerome Olivier’s blog for news of release(s).

3) Purchase the non-amended version thru Amazon’s Japanese outlet and hope that: a) the Japanese region code shown on the Amazon web site is a mistake; b) it really does have English subtitles; c) the non-amended version is not too far different from what Jerome Olivier originally intended. If you want to buck the tide and give that a go, here’s a link to Amazon Japan, translated courtesy Google >>Amazon Japan — Missing Pages DVD. You can read about the differences between the amended version and the non-amended version of the film >>here.

4) Hope that one of the festivals releases it as part of a compilation DVD.

5) Subscribe to Res and hope that they issue it as one of their compilation DVD’s.

6) Pester your local public terriblevision station into airing it.




Missing Pages — Found!


Posted in video, movie reviews on March 15th, 2006

The new fotomation movie that I mentioned back here is back on line with its new MACHO © server.




Missing Pages


Posted in movie reviews, time travel on March 13th, 2006


Core Units charging (scene from the fotomation film, Missing Pages by Jerome Olivier / 24:17 / 2005)

Missing Pages is made from 40,000 still digital images.

From Short Shorts Film Festiaval 2005:
“KIYOSHI TANOMURA is the chief engineer of the Infinite Technology Co, which has developed a time machine, the ‘Trans-locator’. At a press conference for the announcement of his time machine, Kiyoshi dodges moral critics about the ethics of the time machine. Upon returning home, a group of questionable characters abduct him. Kiyoshi is then accused of being a terrorist plotting against the CORE. The CORE is a group who uses Kiyoshi‘s Trans-locator to gain profit. Kiyoshi is rescued by a group called ‘Archive’ who acts as a counterforce to keep history, flowing correctly. Kiyoshi is the target of CORE for being destined to co-operate with ‘Archive’ whose duty is to stop CORE from controlling history.”

And from the film’s web site, Speaking Pictures:

“With a new server set up to accommodate the surge of interest, speaking-pictures.com hosts the first seven minutes of ‘Missing Pages (amended version),’ a 24-minute short shot entirely with a digital still camera and manipulated using a method dubbed ‘fotomation.’”

Direct link to the 7 minute preview page >> Missing Movie

The last time I visited, the download was unavailable pending putting in a MACHO © server. I’ll update as soon as M. Olivier has the file available for download again. In the meantime, if anyone knows of a mirror site, please let me know.

Finally, if you have a high speed connection, you might enjoy a larger version of the Core Units charging >>here.